The Lost Art of Male Friendship
Rediscovering the Sacred Bond of Brotherhood
Grace and peace to you in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ. I pray this post finds you well and growing in the knowledge and love of God. Today, we’ll look at a topic near and dear to my heart: the sacred bond of Christian brotherhood among men. You can have future posts like this delivered to you via email by subscribing below. And if you know anyone who may benefit from this post, by all means pass it on to them. I’d be grateful (and hopefully, so would they.)
The Divine Design of Friendship
Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up! (Ecclesiastes 4:9-10)
In the grand tapestry of creation, our Lord wove the thread of friendship as an essential element of human flourishing. The Triune God, existing in perfect love and fellowship for all eternity, fashioned us in his image with an inherent need for companionship. As C.S. Lewis eloquently wrote in The Four Loves, friendship is “the least natural of loves,” yet it possesses a spiritual significance that transcends mere biological necessity. I have gone so far as saying it almost has a sacramental nature to it.
This divine design for friendship is not merely a pleasant addition to life; it’s a reflection of God’s own nature. The fellowship within the Trinity – Father, Son, and Holy Spirit – serves as the ultimate model for our human relationships. Just as there’s perfect communion within the Godhead, so too are we called to seek deep, meaningful connections with others. This includes abiding friendship between men.
In literature, we find poignant examples of this divine design. Consider the friendship between Frodo and Sam in J.R.R. Tolkien’s The Lord of the Rings. Their bond, forged in the crucible of shared hardship and mutual support, exemplifies the strength and beauty of male friendship as God intended it.
The Lament of the Lonely Man
A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother. (Proverbs 18:24)
In our modern age, we face a troubling epidemic: “the friendless American male.” Recent surveys reveal a stark reality – many men struggle to name even a handful of close friends in their immediate vicinity. They may be able to name six men who could serve as pallbearers at their funerals but would have much more difficulty naming even one man, they could call at 2am if they were in trouble. This dearth of companionship is not merely a social inconvenience; it strikes at the very heart of our created purpose.
The great Russian novelist Fyodor Dostoevsky once wrote, “To live without hope is to cease to live.” In a similar vein, to live without true friendship is to experience a profound form of spiritual poverty. As we navigate the oddities and complexities of our time, Christian men must recognize the urgent need to cultivate meaningful male friendships that nourish the soul and strengthen their walk with Christ.
Literature provides us with stark portrayals of male alienation. Herman Melville’s Ishmael in Moby-Dick begins his tale with the haunting words, “Call me Ishmael,” embodying the isolation of a man adrift in a vast, uncaring world. Similarly, F. Scott Fitzgerald’s Jay Gatsby, despite his lavish parties and numerous acquaintances, stands as a tragic figure of loneliness, yearning for genuine connection.
In more contemporary works, we find characters like Christopher McCandless in Jon Krakauer’s Into the Wild, whose extreme isolation leads to tragedy, or Tyler Durden in Chuck Palahniuk's Fight Club, representing the desperate measures men might take to combat their sense of alienation in modern society.
The Theology of Brotherhood
Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another. (Proverbs 27:17)
The concept of spiritual friendship, rooted deeply in biblical wisdom, offers a compelling vision for male relationships. These are not mere acquaintances who discuss sports and weather, but kindred spirits who delve into the depths of the heart and soul. They are the men who have given one another permission to ask the hard questions and hold one another accountable.
In The Four Loves, C.S. Lewis expounds on this idea: “Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: ‘What! You too? I thought I was the only one.’” This shared recognition of our common humanity and spiritual journey forms the bedrock of true brotherhood.
The theology of brotherhood extends beyond mere companionship. It encompasses the idea of bearing one another’s burdens (Galatians 6:2), spurring each other on toward love and good deeds (Hebrews 10:24), and even the concept of spiritual warfare, where we stand shoulder to shoulder against the schemes of the enemy (Ephesians 6:10-18).
Noble Friendship
A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity. (Proverbs 17:17)
Throughout history and literature, we find inspiring examples of male friendships that exemplify the highest ideals of brotherhood. The biblical narrative offers us the profound bond between David and Jonathan, a relationship so deep that Scripture tells us, “the soul of Jonathan was knit to the soul of David, and Jonathan loved him as his own soul” (1 Samuel 18:1).
In the annals of Christian history, we encounter the spiritual friendship of St. Augustine and St. Ambrose, whose mutual edification and encouragement bore fruit in their respective ministries. The Renaissance gives us the example of Michelangelo and Vittoria Colonna, whose platonic yet deeply affectionate relationship nurtured both their faith and their art.
Moving closer to our own time, we can look to the enduring friendship of C.S. Lewis and J.R.R. Tolkien. Their regular meetings with the Inklings not only produced literary masterpieces but also fostered a community of intellectual and spiritual growth.
Literature abounds with examples of noble male friendships. In Homer’s Iliad, we see the deep bond between Achilles and Patroclus. Shakespeare gives us the loyal friendship of Horatio to Hamlet. Mark Twain's Huckleberry Finn and Jim form an unlikely but profound friendship that transcends societal barriers.
Overcoming Barriers to Brotherhood
Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins. (1 Peter 4:8)
In our current cultural climate, several obstacles hinder the formation of deep male friendships. Pride, vulnerability, and the fear of appearing weak all conspire to keep men isolated. Moreover, there seems to be a “hermeneutic of suspicion” that casts a shadow over close male relationships, misinterpreting them through a sexualized lens.
To overcome these barriers, we must return to a biblical understanding of love and friendship. The Apostle John reminds us, “Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God” (1 John 4:7). This love, agape in Greek, transcends mere sentiment and calls us to a selfless commitment to the good of the other.
The challenge of vulnerability is particularly acute for men in our society. We’ve been conditioned to view emotional openness as weakness, a notion that runs counter to biblical wisdom. The Psalms, many written by David, a warrior king, are filled with raw emotional honesty before God and others. We must reclaim this biblical model of manhood that allows for both strength and emotional authenticity.
Furthermore, we must confront the cultural suspicion surrounding close male friendships. This suspicion not only misinterprets the nature of these relationships but also robs men of the deep, non-romantic love that is essential for spiritual and emotional health. As we see in the friendship of David and Jonathan, or even in Jesus’ close relationship with John, the “beloved disciple,” male friendships can be profound, intimate, and entirely wholesome.
Practical Steps Toward Cultivating Brotherhood
And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near. (Hebrews 10:24-25)
Having laid the theological and philosophical groundwork, let us now turn to practical steps for fostering deep male friendships:
1. Intentionality: Make a conscious effort to reach out to other men and initiate relationships. This might involve joining a men’s group at church, participating in community activities, or simply inviting a colleague for coffee.
2. Vulnerability: Be willing to share your struggles and weaknesses, creating space for authentic connection. Start small, perhaps by sharing a current challenge you’re facing, and gradually build trust over time.
3. Consistency: Establish regular times for meeting and communication, whether in person or through technology. Consider setting up a weekly or bi-weekly meeting with a friend or group of friends.
4. Shared Activities: Engage in pursuits that allow for meaningful conversation and shared experiences. This could be anything from a regular game night to volunteering together in your community.
5. Spiritual Focus: Center your friendships on your shared faith in Christ, encouraging one another in your walk with him. Consider starting a small group Bible study or prayer and accountability (including encouragement) meeting.
6. Accountability: Give trusted friends permission to speak truth into your life, even when it’s difficult to hear. Establish clear boundaries and expectations for this accountability to ensure it remains a positive force in your relationship.
7. Prayer: Commit to praying for and with your friends regularly. Keep a prayer journal to track requests and answers, fostering a sense of shared spiritual journey.
8. Service: Find opportunities to serve others together, whether in your church or the wider community. Shared service can deepen bonds and provide a sense of purpose.
As you embark on this journey of cultivating brotherhood, remember the words of G.K. Chesterton: “The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because generally they are the same people.” In your quest for true friendship, be prepared for the challenges and rewards that come with loving others as Christ has loved us.
In closing, I urge you to take these reflections to heart and prayerfully consider how you might deepen your existing friendships or forge new ones. The path of brotherhood is not always easy, but it is a vital aspect of our Christian calling and a source of immeasurable joy. Like Frodo and Sam journeying through the perils of Middle-earth, or David and Jonathan navigating the dangerous politics of ancient Israel, we too can find strength, comfort, and purpose in the bonds of true friendship.
May the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ, the love of God, and the fellowship of the Holy Spirit be with you all.
Your brother in Christ,
Dale
I’ve recently written a resource that I hope will help you grow closer with other men as you seek to build up, encourage, guide, and watch over one another in love. Click on the image below and it will take you to the bookstore.
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